u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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