I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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