Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
