apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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