goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
