i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
