did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
