got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
