I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
