she was so not down for the gang bang
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
