i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
third nipple confirmed
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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