Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
