Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
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took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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