2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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