he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
