literally had 100 drinks last night.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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