How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
