You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers