I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.