The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.