she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window