Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
pray to the hookup gods
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
