But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
