Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
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