I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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