I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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