Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
