Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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