my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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