Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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