Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I love having hate sex.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
