Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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