I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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