Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Just puked most of my soul out..
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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