I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
