i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
