Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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