i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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