Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just pee around me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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