FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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