turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
