my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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