Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
