You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
