In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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