I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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