I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
