The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
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Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
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I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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