He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
