you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
