True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
