So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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