Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
