I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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