I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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