his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
