when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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