I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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